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My story - Jarriyah

Aug. 11th, 2003

08:40 am - My story

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I have been having the wierdest dream for the pst fw days andt will not seem to go away.

About a week ago I saw my high school teacher at a local club and we started talking and she asked me how thigs were going and I told her fine. She knows about my eatingdisorder that is why she asked. Well every since that nght I have ben feeling really weird and having these dreams that I should just come outand tell her that everything is not as alright as they seem.

Here's what I mean:
She asked me once did I know the reasn for my eating disorder and I told her but I really do. From the time that I was in Middle school untilmy 12th grade year I was sexual harraststed by this boy that I was in my class. He would tell me that he would give me a dollar if I would allow him to touch my ass. I never said yes and I would also ignore him. He would touch me anyway. It was hard to avoid him in class because he sit by the door. So when ever I came into the room he would "touch" me.

Some of yo me read this and say why didn't I tell anyone. Well, tobe honest I felt that it was my fault and the no one would believe me. So I told no one.

This is how my eating disorder started. In the 8th grade I felt that because of this boy I could no longer take what he wasdoig to be so I finally told the guidane consular at my school. She talked to him and he denided it all. So after that I felt that I had no control over what happen to me or how my words mattered. So I started binge eatting and I gained 20 pounds over the summer. I felt that if I gained weight he would not want to be bothered with me. But thatwasn't true, he cntiued to harass me. So by the time that I gaduated from high school I had balloned up from 115 to 232. Once I went away to school, I lost about 30 pounds and I have stayed at 202 for the past few years. And Then I realy started to hate the way that I looked because I felt that I was never going to find nyone to respect me at the size that I was. I so I starte ddieting and that soon turned into anorexia. I have been fighting this battle with myself for the past few years and I'm doing pretty good with it at this time. I have been at 180 for about 2 months and that is not okay with me. I'm going to be going to a new college in 3 weeks and I'm scared that once I get there my old habits are going to catch up with me. MY ultimate goal is to be 115 again, but I'm not sure how I want to do that. I do I want to continue with anorexia or do I want to start a healthy diet plan and lose weight the healthy way. Right now, I fel as if I want ot continue with anorexia because that is what I'm most comfortable with. So I gues fr me you can say that my anorexia is about a control thing. Maybe one day I will be able to have contorl over this, but I guess to do that I have to be willing to get help, and as of right now, I'm not.

That's my story as it stands today.


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Current Music: Samantha Mumba: Don't Need You To Tell Me