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Jarriyah

Dec. 1st, 2003

10:00 pm

Hey What's up nothing going on much here, just chillin, I feel like I am sbout ot fall alsleep, I have been try ing to get Angela to leave my room for the longest time and she keeps find exuses to not leave my room, like right now she is watching average joe after the fact I keep telling her that i am tierd and I want to go to sleep...I cant bring myslef to ask her to leave because I do not want to have her upset with me like she was the last time that I asked her to leave my room so that I could do some work...Why can't I just tell her how I feel and not feel like I am doing something wrong, I really do not like the feeling...I can't take this anymore, I dont want to hurt anyone, but I am the one that is getting hurt in the process...

Jarriyah

Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted

Aug. 11th, 2003

08:40 am - My story

I have been having the wierdest dream for the pst fw days andt will not seem to go away.

About a week ago I saw my high school teacher at a local club and we started talking and she asked me how thigs were going and I told her fine. She knows about my eatingdisorder that is why she asked. Well every since that nght I have ben feeling really weird and having these dreams that I should just come outand tell her that everything is not as alright as they seem.

Here's what I mean:
She asked me once did I know the reasn for my eating disorder and I told her but I really do. From the time that I was in Middle school untilmy 12th grade year I was sexual harraststed by this boy that I was in my class. He would tell me that he would give me a dollar if I would allow him to touch my ass. I never said yes and I would also ignore him. He would touch me anyway. It was hard to avoid him in class because he sit by the door. So when ever I came into the room he would "touch" me.

Some of yo me read this and say why didn't I tell anyone. Well, tobe honest I felt that it was my fault and the no one would believe me. So I told no one.

This is how my eating disorder started. In the 8th grade I felt that because of this boy I could no longer take what he wasdoig to be so I finally told the guidane consular at my school. She talked to him and he denided it all. So after that I felt that I had no control over what happen to me or how my words mattered. So I started binge eatting and I gained 20 pounds over the summer. I felt that if I gained weight he would not want to be bothered with me. But thatwasn't true, he cntiued to harass me. So by the time that I gaduated from high school I had balloned up from 115 to 232. Once I went away to school, I lost about 30 pounds and I have stayed at 202 for the past few years. And Then I realy started to hate the way that I looked because I felt that I was never going to find nyone to respect me at the size that I was. I so I starte ddieting and that soon turned into anorexia. I have been fighting this battle with myself for the past few years and I'm doing pretty good with it at this time. I have been at 180 for about 2 months and that is not okay with me. I'm going to be going to a new college in 3 weeks and I'm scared that once I get there my old habits are going to catch up with me. MY ultimate goal is to be 115 again, but I'm not sure how I want to do that. I do I want to continue with anorexia or do I want to start a healthy diet plan and lose weight the healthy way. Right now, I fel as if I want ot continue with anorexia because that is what I'm most comfortable with. So I gues fr me you can say that my anorexia is about a control thing. Maybe one day I will be able to have contorl over this, but I guess to do that I have to be willing to get help, and as of right now, I'm not.

That's my story as it stands today.

Always,
Jarriyah

Current Mood: gloomygloomy
Current Music: Samantha Mumba: Don't Need You To Tell Me

Jul. 28th, 2003

10:19 am

Hi everyone,

I decide to update here since I have not been around. I have been on vacation for the past month. I spent a week in New Orleans and I got to go to the Essence Festival. So that was cool. And I spent 3 weeks in Va. Beach visiting my beat friend and god-daughter. That was nice.

I have been home for a week now. I have been having a hard time trying to get a handle on my eating again. Because I was away for a month I was forced to eat out everyday. I mosly ate once a day, which may not seem like a bad thing, but the things that I was eating, where things that I don't normal eat. Maybe I'm being a little to hard on myself.

I recieved a full academic scholarship to Trinity College and I leave in a month so that gives me a month to get my life back on track. So that I will be able to consitrate on my school work.

Well I hope everything is going great for everyone.

Be Blessed,
Jarriyah

Current Mood: mellowmellow
Current Music: Beyonce: Crazy In Loe

Apr. 29th, 2003

11:50 am - Update on what happened Yesturday!!! This was written on April 28, 2003

Maybe it's just my imaganation but I swear that everyone is avoiding me. I don't know. I here at K.G.H.S., helping Ms. Fetterolf with thses nutriton reports.

Everything was going fine until it was time to go to lunch. She asked me did I want anything to eat and I was like no. And she got all upset. (Which I can totally understand why, consetring my history and the subject of food.) So I figured to keep things going as nice as the had been before the food subject cmae up that I would order a salad. That didn't go by to well with Ms. Fetterlof. She started going on and on, about how what I had chossen to eat was only negitve calories. WTF!!! I thought food was food. Everything has a calorie. What is a nagtive calorie and what is a postive calorie? Someone please inlite me on this subject cause I sure as hell don't understand it.

Anyway I got the salad and I go and I look at and it's BROWN!!!!, So of course this makes me not want it. So, I got some juice to go with it and return to the office and prepare to drink my juice and forget about the salad that looks like it has been sitting in the sun the entire weekend. Ms. Fetterolf comes back and sees that I have not touched the salad and starts to become all motherly and concearned. So I have to explain to her why I'm not eating this disgusting salad. So in short she tells me that she understands why I didn't eat it and clams down on the subject. And then she offers to go to Fast Mart and get me something else and I say no that's okay. I'll just get something from the snack
machine. So she goes out in the hall and gets me some Chesse Balls. Which is cool with me. Chesse Balls bring back those care free days of Jonnelle,Michelle and I, we used to fight over these things all the time in school.

I ate them. I guess, I can't stay upset with Ms. Fetterolf, because she is a health teacher and she know what's up and she cares a lot about me and only wants the best for me. So maybe I should go and thank her instead of being upset with her!!!

Be Blessed,
Jarriyah

~*I use a code name to protect the innocent*~

Current Mood: hungryhungry
Current Music: 50 Cent: 21 questions

09:34 am

Jarriyah

Apr. 10th, 2003

10:57 am


I want to beinge.

10:55 am

I really want to binge and purge but I can't think of what it is that I want to eat. Maybe I just shouldn't eat at all.

10:51 am

I really want to binge and purge but I can't think of what it is that I want to eat. Maybe I just shouldn't eat at all.

10:49 am

<img src="http://C:\My Documents\My Pictures\rissa---1.jpg/image.jpg" alt="Jurnee/>

Mar. 19th, 2003

03:21 pm

TLC: Turntable

I used to walk around like
Nothing could happen to me
Life is a gamble so I
Should live life more carefully
But all I know is that I
Control my own destiny
I used to look at others
Instead of me blaming me

Bridge:
Don’t ask yourself why
Just look to the sky
Believe that soon you’ll see the other side

Chorus:
I know
That through all the struggle
There’s a bright road
At the end of the tunnel
Now you should know
Whatever your dilemma may be
You’ll learn
Life is worth it
Watch the tables turn

Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Whenever you feel troubled
With problems coming your way
Don’t ever get discouraged
There’s always a better day
We all don’t know the answers
Believe and trust when I say
That havin' faith is always
The way to make things okay

Bridge
Don’t ask yourself why
Just look to the sky
Believe that soon you’ll see the other side

Chorus
I know
That through all the struggle
There’s a bright road
At the end of the tunnel
Now you should know
Whatever your dilemma may be
You’ll learn
Life is worth it
Watch the tables turn

That’s right
Alright

You’ve had your ups and downs but
It happened for a reason
Cause after April showers
There will come a change of season
So please don’t give up now cuz
The sun's shinin' through the clouds
It’s gonna be alright
I know

Chorus:
I know
That through all the struggle
There’s a bright road
At the end of the tunnel
Now you should know
Whatever your dilemma may be
You’ll learn
Life is worth it
Watch the tables turn

Chorus:
I know
That through all the struggle
There’s a bright road
At the end of the tunnel
Now you should know
Whatever your dilemma may be
You’ll learn
Life is worth it
Watch the tables turn

Watch the tables turn
(Watch the tables turn)
Watch the tables turn
(Watch the tables turn)
Watch the tables turn
(Watch the tables turn)
Watch the tables turn
(Watch the tables turn)

At the moment this is one of my faviorte songs, for more reason than one. I would thank the following people who continue to be there for me when I need them:

Stacey F.
Stacie O.
Crystal
Cristen
Michele
Jackie
Aleshia
Sophia
LaLa
Jonnelle
Erica
Kenya
Nina
Daneeta
Daneeka
Danielle
Stephaine M.
Stephanee
Ebonee
Dalisha
Jonathan
Curtis
Cj
Aj
Micheal S.
Angie
Dominique D.
Michelle
Kari
Keaton
Carrie
Vivian(K-K)
Stevie
Greta
Stephen
Brandy
Raven
Xavier
Xonya
Qunita
Phyllis
Ms.Phyllis
Shawnee
Jessica C.
Jessica P.
Zyrie
Shaniqua
Kristina
Sabina
Syria
Stephanie
Cencere
Jaylon
Seighvia
Heather M. S.
Heather R. S.
Destiny B. T.
Destiny J.T.
Charity T.
If I forgot you, then let me know. It's just an error of the mind, and not of the heart

Love Jarryiah

Current Mood: gratefulgrateful

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